The rain is falling on my window pane

I love it when I wake up or go back home after a long day to see google-talk messages from them.

Updates on college admissions, interview feed backs, asking or sharing opinion on a current projects, job issues, job search, hair cut queries, holiday plans, cereal talks, updates on boy issues, promises of weekend skype calls that never usually happen (bub tops this list) or just a "hey..long time...hope everything is fine".

Just want to let you guys know, it makes a bigger difference than you may think.

:D

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel..

I've never felt so perfectly normal and torn at the same time.

I know of things I honestly wish I did'nt. May be I deserved it.
"Reality check" as people like to call it.

I'm not upset nor am I jumping with joy.

I don't know think what to think.

I'll be doing the most normal fun things when all of a sudden a strange numbness passes over.

I go quiet for 5 min and im back to being happy again.

Most often I feel liberated, which is good.

I feel like i've convinced myself to be more detached and indifferent. It worked.

Didn't know i could control my mind so easily. Never felt the need to do it before.

Im just being forced to be that way if i need to remain sane.

Atleast this time I have an explanation.

And all of these moments..just might find their way into my dreams tonight,

This has been the laziest weekend of my life.

I'm glad i actually had class yesterday..and couldn't help grinning after i got my mid-term marks. Dosent happen to me too often.

Went to the gym with M and been at home since thanks to the "Snow Storm"..grr..

I can actually picture this, in Madras,On a sunday, ill be tired as i woke up. Would go by that big box of amul curd so i feel more alive and sit in megha's room discussing the previous nyte's (speed's) events.Endless number of , "she did tht", "omg", "really's??" later..curse the heat and warden a little bit..biryani lunch with lakshmi.It used to be "chicken" day in hostel. Then go to bhavna's house for "submission work"..discuss the same events..except that she would giggle at everything instead. Zabi would turn up sometimes...do to work..but would go to anoki to meet one of her men...try on make up..the "new looks" of the season as she would call it..watch some TV...apoo would come after having finished half her project and give us tips on the same.. some yummy rajma, paneer and roti for dinner...later...i'd have a bath while she'd sincerely watch laguna beach and Roadies...homeless aish would grace us with her presence..and talk crap for an hour....we'll start work finally..then at about 2 o clock ..go make tea, cold chocolate and pink lemonade ..this is when i would go into the igloo , call it my "power nap" , pass out and submit crap the next day.

 

Reminds me, one such time during our animation submission, my "power nap" happened sooner than i expected it to..and went with unfinished work to college..and presented my 15 sec clip.

Sir: " what is this ma?" 

        Nothing's happening 

Me:(praying he was drunk) look properly sir, it's moving..

It was SO bad ..the objects were really moving thou..just not as much as it was for  the others.

 I actually don't miss home so much..but i wanna go back to madras and just spend a day with B, in her house..sprawling around in her room..talking crap..making big future plans...yummy food..random boat club walks...lots of giggling ..

look how they shine for you..

Life's a bitch.

A million things to constantly worry about.

Lack of cute boys, perpetually broke,nothing ever interesting on tv, mid-terms every other day,unemployed,no sleep,expensive flight tickets,rent,phone bills, grocery bills, so many things to do and so little time.

The beauty of it is how, in spite of all this we do our own little things everyday to make life more meaningful.

It's actually quite fun.

Just an eye-candy can make all the difference.

Beer too.

* grin *

If I Had $1000000 I'd buy your love

I just got back from my anthropology class.

we learnt about how within monkeys and gorillas too,the female looks for one mate she wants to mate with during the mating season and the male looks for females even outside his group, casue the more he finds and mates with..the more attractive he is seen as, and he becomes like the head or leader of the group sooner.

I think men just havent evolved since.

Atleast now there's some explanation.

  

It's just sad that women base their self-worth on what the unevolved species think. 

I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,

It's officially been 2 months since I got to Calgary.

The place is finally growing into me .

I think I've been more educated in the last 2 months than in the last 20 years.

When I first got here, I wanted to go back home the next day.Mailed my dad saying, "i reached but I'm coming back home".

The only reason I couldn't was casue the Airlines conveniently mis-placed my luggage and i didn't get it till like 2 weeks after. I had paid fees my then and would've been thrown out of my house if i tried anything funny.

I still hate the cold, the snow and the "incoming charged" on phone calls, but I've come to terms with the fact that I have absolutely nothing to go back for. Seriously. When i go back home, my brother will be in college(hopefully), i love my parents but living with them is just not an option for me anymore.I love and miss the comfort of home, good food and the lazy nice easy life but I'm just better off by myself. Most my friends are working, so just "hanging out" for a day would require lots of planning.

I feel bad that I wont be there in July when everyone is in Cbe. I feel bad that i wont be there for my MOP convocation and i know I'm going to die looking at the pictures on facebook after.I wish i could be home when my brother gets his marks to when we send him off to college.I don't like looking at Ten-d and speed plans online. It makes me a little numb. I miss V every time i have a doubt with something or need a second opinion and i cant just talk to him anymore.I tag myself in pictures im not there in just to make myself feel better temporarily.

I think the hardest part has been to come from a place, where I would know someone where ever I went to come to a country I know no-one. I miss just walking from college to subway for supposedly "aiesec" work and just lazing there.

I'm stuck in this weird phase, where I haven't completely let go of my past and I have moved on.

Well, at least I'm moving forward.

Calgary was a good decision.

I realised that today.

skimpreadinky-dinky-doo !

February was a pretty decent month.

I like that it has only 28 days. 

Feels Quick.

Could've been better if I didn't have so much free time to think.

Shopping during Reading week was fun.

Left me with just coins in my pocket by the 25th though.

I've gotten so used to being broke and leading a "Budget" life, the day I'm super rich I'll be really clueless. Ill probably be one of those typical south Indians and "Invest" it .

I've always lived off pocket money.Every Sunday till the 8th grade, I used to get 20 bucks. So that I don't scam and take more money, I was given a pass book.I'll receive the money, sign in the second column and pa'll sign in the next column.If we(ash & me) won a game of chess against him, it was 50 bucks and cleaning the car on Sundays was 30 bucks each. I still have some pass books at home. 100 bucks in the 11th and 12th felt so rich.

"Valentine's Day" should  seriously be abandoned.

I get that it's the Birthday of St.Valentine or Whatever but it's so unnecressary.

If your in a relationship..you wonder if you should make a big deal about it or it...you don't want to look stupidly excited nor not do anything at all..and when your single..you can watch Will and Grace all day with your single friends with the stupid * heart * heart * commercials every five min.

It's like that phase, when you want do something on a Saturday nyte because everyone else is.

March is here. 

The snow is melting.

My head aches due to the lack of sleep.

Million assignments to submit.

Mid terms in 2 weeks.

I wish I could decide how many hours each day should have.

Always a first time

Sentences I never thought i'd ever hear..

* Hey guys, be careful ! Remember your'll are standing on the river !

*You know, my mom spread a rumour about me that.....

*What was the name of the guy I climbed the mountain with ?

*Don't worry, I havent seen my sister naked (from a guy)....

my no-longer kutty brother

This is the last funny moment i remember at home.

I was taking ice-cubes from the freezer and at the same time he was taking ketchup from the fridge and as i slammed to door of the freezer..it just about touched his hair..and i laughed at how short he was.

When pa came home, he'd stand on the couch next to the door to unlock the door.

When I last went home, about 3 months back..I was trying to lift something rather heavy to be moved  downstairs..he came, made me leave it aside and moved it himself..it felt so strange...It had always been me taking care of him, helping and doing things for him.

Suddenly like ten minutes back I get a mail,with pictures of his 12th std farewell..he's much taller than me now(I honestly don't know when that happened)..in a shirt,blazer and tie looking so cute and with his girlfriend.I catch him online a moment later and i ask him "is that your gf?" and his reply is, "ya..it's been six months what kind of a sister are you? everyone here knows.."

I wish i had an answer to that. In being so self-involved, have I missed out on other more important things? I dont know.

 I want to go home.

One..two..three...

I hate walking up stairs.

My house is on the 4th floor.

College was on the 5th floor.

Hostel was on the 3rd floor.

Work was on the 5th floor.

I now stay on the 3rd floor.

Why cant everything just be on one freaking level?

Just got back from class and finding a reason to complain.

The river is wide and the water is deep

My brother is  writing his board exams next week.

Feels like mine got over only yesterday..,when I had a week off for chemistry.. feeling blank the day of the exam...looking at the text which by then was split into six, felt like i was looking at something new...terrible times..unwanted pressure..

There's so much "Build-up" for the 12th exams..that when your in school, it makes you feel like you do this one thing right and your life is set. Your going to be Rich and famous, don't have to study anymore, no more worrying about tests, classes and open house.

They forget to tell you, it's just the beginning of your struggle and it's only going to get harder.

Best of luck ash .

Room Number One-Twenty-One ..

It's strange how two people who have nothing in common end up being big parts of each others lives.

This was how she introduced herself, "Hi.. Im from Cochin, I study in Stella, I was supposed to do engg thou, i go for kathak classes in the evenings, i have a boyfriend and this is my second year here, I was very close to my old roommate so i told myself ill not like the next person who moves in but I don't mind you".

We had no common friends then, no similar interests but still took coupons and decided to go have some hot horlicks downstairs. I never thought a day would come where we would mutually agree on something.

Her idea of fun was going to the Satyam,Landmark, Oxford, Vivs and the Beach and mine was going to gym, 21c, speed, family guy and ten-d. I didn't think a world existed beyond that.

If it were anyone else i would've been ignored or bitched about and we would've just been two people who lived in separate rooms next to each other. But she was different..fun, full of life, active and hyper, self-less, intelligent, caring, level-headed,independent, mature and a good conversationalist.
She could see through people and understand them in minutes. I admired her for that.I still do.

Eventually after hanging out with her..my Wednesday's became fancy dinner nyte's(Rs. 35 Al Najeeb biryani) instead of beer, Fridays became movies instead of the free shooters in speed. At times, we watched a movie and went for a drink after. I introduced her to Whiskey and coke :P

It was a brilliant phase. I became more organised and self-controlled while she became more experimental in doing things and little less scared of Warden. Even if I had the worst day ever...just coming back to hostel for dinner and a conversation with her made my day.

Over a period of time, I became a little dependent and possessive about her. I hated it when she did her internship in ABM cause I felt like her boss was stealing her away from me and when she had to go to her aunts house in porur over the weekend.

Almost a year since we've both moved out and to different countries, I like to say that we are still up to date with each others lives. I even know she went shopping with her aunt yesterday. The more I talk to her to more I admire her for the person she is.

I can never thank her for how single handedly and gradually, she made me realise I had much more potential in me, than I could have ever imagined.

I miss her

Not just a pretty girl

Women's studies classes should be made compulsory to every student all over the world..esp..In India.

  Till I came here, I just about knew that a feminist is someone who fights for or believes in women's equal rights..didn't know why, when , how nothing. I took this class only  cause the other class I wanted ( drawing ) was full and this was at a good timing.

  It's just been 5 weeks and i absolutely love it..it really gets you thinking. We learn about the different kinds of feminism and how each movement started which sounds really boring but you realise, it's  just not a thing of the past. Most women today are still being dominated, oppressed and abused emotionally or physically. It might not be on as large a scale as it was but it definitely still exists. Women are still viewed as sex objects who look pretty for the man's pleasure and now it's being portrayed that way everywhere that it doesn't affect us or even make us pause and think. Media has pretty much just gotten us used to the concept. Prostitution , porn and strip clubs make matters worse.

  I've suddenly started appreciating and looking at  shows like Powerpuff Girls, Sex & the City, women like Oprah, Ellen and  Marget Cho differently.

Lots of extremely intelligent, pretty and fun women I know really changed(most for the worse) and are shattered after a relationship but the male counterpart finds his next target in a matter of weeks and is content with his life. It sucks.

In future,as cliche as this might sound, I wish to contribute more towards the liberalisation of women and  help them realise they are worth so MUCH more. 

I can almost feel ashwitha looking at me proudly.

I think I'm moving but I go nowhere

I was really excited about g-mails new feature. Previously you could only label your mails..now you can actually put them in different folders like it used to be on hotmail and not have them in your inbox.

 After a super long week of mid-terms finally got down to sorting my mails, created separate folders for friends, family, work stuff ..etc..In the process ended up reading a few mails..chats ., Lakshmi's one line "doubt mails"..asking my dad for more money mails....wedding invites from two of my married classmates...brothers occasional venting on how unfair my parents are to him...Grandma's mails on human relationships and the 'weather in Coimbatore'..AIESEC applications...my million surveys...MOP's alumni mails...endless number of mails from vidyuth..pictures sent (from facebook) with the subject always being .."Have to see".."look how fat her arms are"... 

 All these mails ..previously, I read them..replied and never thought of it five min after..but for some reason today...going through them took much longer...mind wandering...smiled to myself occasionally...felt like an idiot when i read a few...and few just wont get off my mind even 5 hours  and three episodes of 30 Rock later... 

  I hate and love how the past haunts me.

Dancin' when the stars go blue...

It’s funny how sometimes being 5000 miles away from someone can tell and teach you so much more about a person than being right next to them.

“This one’s different” I told myself.

Even though lots of people gave me reasons to believe otherwise, I clung on to the good side which a selected few believed in. I realize now how easily I convince myself and choose to trust people.

There were the good times, bad times and fun times. This past year was very different, I believed we were similar in a lot of ways and thought we made a "good team".

Reality showed up.I know people change and change is the only constant but to such a large extent that it makes you wonder who the real person is, is rather confusing and annoying, especially for an already complicated person like me.

I thought it would kill me, now I’m sitting here wondering how it didn’t.
A warm bath, a little bitching and lots of shopping was all it took.

Life really does work in mysterious ways.

:)

Im just putting this up , since writing this crap on facebook motivated me to start blogging!

1.I love writing/ doing crap like this which make absolutely no sense to anyone or anything.

2.Im the most confused person on the planet, I've wanted to become a fashion designer, a marine biologist, get into advertising, entrepreuner, open a cafe with lots of board games like the brew-ha-ha in bangalore, a gym, a school like Vidya Nikten, my coolio website plan , a cereal bar, a card shop and an interior designer.I still dont know and to console myself everytime I get paranoid I listen to the Sunsreen song.

3.I loove dogs esp dalmations,labs and retreivers. I've never been allowed to have one at home casue my mom threatens to throw it down the balcony, so as of now ill even settle for a songi street dog that dosent bite me.

4.The funnest thing to do apart from down-ing beers in speed or ten-d or buckets at the beach is to bug my brother and fight for tv remote when he's watching tv..esp football..it makes my day.

5.I'v been reading Shantaram for the last 4 months,i love the book and i still have 1/4 to go thou i sincerely carry it with me everywhere i go.

6.My favorite ppl in the world are people are hamsa, rahel, dhanya, bhavna,lakshmi. No one can make me laugh the way they do.Sahil and Zabi are 2 people who never fail to amuse me.I sometimes wish life was simple enough for me to carry them with me in my bag everywhere I went.

7.I love train journeys.I think they just rock you to sleep and you can pee whenever you want to unlike bus journeys.I usually buy lots of hide and seek, bar of chikki and a cosmo at the platform and im set for a good journey.The madras railway station at 6 in the morning, as the sun is rising is very very pretty.

8.I love travelling, esp with my dad. I hate Hill-stations. They feel more like a punishment than a Holiday

9.I get attached to pencil boxes,wallets,key chains and pearlpet water bottles. I cant change them till months after they stop serving their purpose and ma keeps cribing about it everytime she see's it or someone gifts me one that i feel obliged into using.

10.My ma makes the best fish fry, crab, prawns and fish curry in the world.My favouritest food is Chicken Biryani from anywhere and fish,calmari and beer combo at moonrakers.

11.I've owned a pet snail, fish named oi and a big black ant named mosses.

12.Oftentimes I feel like there's two of me within me, one wants the exact opposite if the other and they keep fighting inside my brain, which gets damn confusing.

13.I'm not very materialistic person but I've always wanted to own a nice big-ish louis vuitton hand bag.
They are just super HOT and eveytime i see someone with it, I wanna grab it and run off !

14.My favorite colour is yellow.I was the only one in class who ever wore yellow kurtas.
I hate the colour Black.

15.I can socialise,drink, have fun,travel the world and im as happy sitting at home,scribbling, lazing,trying on clothes,watching tv, drinking milo, eating marie biscuits dipped in nutella and wishing money just grew on trees.

16.I love shoppping, but cannot shop with anyone.Too many opinions confuse me and I take too long to deicde.
I love bright coloured socks and im glad they are a cheap obsession.
My most recent being a one with horizontal stripes on the left feet and vertical sripes on the right. When i came back home after buying them, I wished I'd bought 2, one to wear and one to keep and look at.

17.I have the worst taste in humour. I find humour in anything and everything, including my 3 ducks , jenny next door and bunny bunny bunny whoops jokes.The memory of the stoned crab in 21c, sahils "dont repeat this " and zabi's "arts or science" continue to crack me up.

18.I love making cards for people and I take a picture of every card I make and look it at proudly for a few weeks after.

19.My favourtie flowers are the yellow an orange zehibras..I think thats wht they are called..I call them mumu flowers.

20.I suck at spellings if u havent already noticed.I really improved thou when I started using the dictionary mode on my phone and when arthi mam cut 1/2 mark for each of my spellings in college.

21.I exaggerate a lot.I rarely realise it.I love facepacks and massages.

22.I have the worst taste in movies. I dont think I've ever hated a single movie.
I cant watch a movie contionusly except in a theatre. I usaully watch them over a period of 2-3 days or weeks depending on how interesting it is and if they are the butterfly efftect or requim for a dream types I watch most parts in mute.I close my ears for scary movies but keep my eyes open.It's a wrong reflex action I was just born with.

23.Im a happy child on the whole which is why, if and when Im sad/upset becasue of wht someone else said or did.. I wish i could take a frying pan and wack that persons face really hard(sometimes i just picture this and keep me happy).When im sad the most i do is cry,call someone and bitch about him/her, have a bath and pass out.I forgive easily and dont have too many issues in life.

24.I like it here but im waiting to run back to India.In sangi's words im a proper "Coimbatore Kari".
Madras is my favoritest city,it taught me a lot about life and people.
I wish Magic carperts really existed.

25.I think the bestest place in the world to shop is on the streets and shops of Jaipur. No deisgner wear comes even remotely close to or are as beautifu as the colour- colour beads, tops, earings and anklets you see there.

Just realised it's 5 in the evening, and i id spent as much time on my womens studies and theories I would've been done and chilling..

Thank you ham !

It still feels like im at winter camp ...lol..

& Im doing juuust fine ! (after lots of drama..but still)

Thats NOT how my hair looooks ! Grr..

yaamerica ?

My Dad studied and worked in California. He wanted to settle in the U.S...though some family issues brought him back to Coimbatore.He'd always tell me ..run off abroad for college..you'll never want to come back. Life's easier and better there...settle there.
(I still get mails every morning saying the same thing)
I've always wondered...why it is so “voo yaamerica” (or any other country for that matter..this is just the most common one and funner to say )

This is a very common scenario...
"You know she got married to that guy from the US?"
.."Wow"...really...damn good yea...she must be really happy"
"Yea...yea..of course ...(goes without saying no)...”
I have two cousins who studied and are now working in the US..I don’t think anyone in the family knows which University they went to, or where they work..but it's like "wow..they went there to study and now settled there also..so nice.."..,

I have/had travelled quite a bit, within India and abroad and I know it's fascinating ...clean...the big malls..crazy shopping..big brands..wide roads..lovely beaches..museums..zoos..huge night clubs. Left me always wondering if that would be reason or motivation enough to leave where you where brought up from and just start new .
Every time I heard people say..."you know I went to blah blah country ...and it was so wow.."
I’d end up having this huge argument about how they just haven’t travelled to the best places in India and just "simply talk"..Like honestly..I've heard and seen from pictures that places up north like Leh, ladakh, kashmir, Himalayas, Rishikesh are very pretty. I've been to Coorg, Kerala ,Goa.. too many times and have thought they are extremely beautiful, serene and clean.

Im in Calgary, Canada now.I've been here like 4 weeks, slowly beginning to see what people really mean. I've never had life easier. Im not talking in terms of like missing home, family, friends but just convenience.It took me 6 months-one year to learn the bus routes, train routes in Madras .I already know most of them here.Everything is made such that parents with kids in prams and the handicapped can use them as easily as we do. They have special buses and taxies for seniors.In every station/Bus terminal you have such a neat map with I think even the uneducated can use.

The whole University including residence is Wi-fied and help is available from 8am to 8pm to fix anything that happens to your computer for free.I’m not even going to describe the library system. It's really fascinating. Like I just need to type my topic in, like key words and it will tell me which book, floor, author, shelf, row.I have homosexuals in class who are open about it and it's no big deal. (I still tend to gape a little...think in another 2 months I should be cool)
People are so unbelievably friendly, I don’t think I've heard so many "sorry, thank you's and please" in the last 5 years. Every time I've been lost or stuck somewhere and I ask for directions I've had someone come with me till I can at least see the building .(with a smiley face)

Yesterday I went down to do my laundry for the first time.
They have something known as the "smart card”...you shove it into a machine and using your credit card or coins you add value to the smart card.
Then there's a room with 20 odd washers and driers. You put your clothes in & go back in 45 min and it's done. Dry, unwrinkled clothes in your hand.
I swear it felt like magic.

As opposed to, in Rani Meyyamai. We used to take clothes down every week into the laundry room where they'll be 100 odd people with one warden trying to calm everyone down,
She'd give the us, ONE marker, we would write our room numbers somewhere on the tag of t-shirt or kurta, then wait n a queue, there'll be a note book where you write
Room number:
T-shirts : (how many)
Jeans :
Towels :
Total Number:_______

Apart from this, you needed to have your own record of it cause clothes got misplaced very often. Thanks to that all my kurtas either have 93 or 88 on them.
The clothes might take one week or three weeks, you could just pray you didn’t need them.


I can’t help wonder just what one of these students would do if they had to study in a college in India.It's hard to not like it here.
I know I can never settle abroad as such cause there's just too much of India within me.
I feel like im going for a costume party everyday in my boots, mufflers, jacket and gloves.
I’m called "muntes" from "megras"...which is hard and weird to start reacting to initially..."mumu" is catching up though. :)
I like it here but every morning, I wake up wishing I was back in Madras.
I hate the time difference and look at makemytrip often to see what the cheapest price for me to go back to my veedu is.

But it's a good change from anything I've done before and I know it's going to mould me into a better, smarter person and give me more direction and confidence. I’m starting to look at things differently, I want to travel more, see, do new things and meet new people.
I'll have fun-er stories to tell my kids.

And while I'm at that, I definitely not going to categorise people moving/settling abroad as just "small talk" or "they haven’t seen India enough" or whatever you want to call it.

I’m not necessarily saying that convenience and an open society is equal to happiness...but it's definitely a something to start with…

First post *excitement* !

I feel stupid admitting that something like "25 random things about you" on facebook today inspired me to blog...but it's a start nevertheless.

I saw this day coming...for sometime now..one day that i'd be completly alone...by myself...no lakshmi, no vyd,no hamsa, no dan, no ra, no bhav to run back to and whine and laugh with while everything became fine again. I was whining to my dad recently as usual and something he said ..kept playing in my head .."Mumu ..you cant let small things like this affect you so much..you need to learn to become much stronger"..,

-I've always considered myself a fairly strong person, I ve never really been scared to do anything
.-I've met a lot of people esp women, in the recent past who have it all or atleast I thought. Everytime I see them..I'd wish i was like them..they are never attached to anyone,anything or any place , would go out have a blast, a few boyfriends here and there who meant nothing to them.Nothing affected them.Is that being a strong person ?
-Few others, one actully I know who would just never let himself be emotionally attached to anyone ,I've always wondered how and why ?.It is casue he is just strong enough, smart enough or just plain scared ?

Does being strong just mean being unaffected ?
Casue if thats the case, I rather not be..Im not saying I would want to cry about the smallest thing..like the worlds come to an end...somethings you get used to over a period of time that cant affect you the third and fourth time they happen..but I like to feel...both pain and happiness.
It makes me feel more human and alive.
As independent as I am or like to be, being attached to someone or something gives me a reason to wake up every morning. I love it that way and I wouldn't change a thing about it ....